I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
