Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
