I heard we made out
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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