MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
