alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
