just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?