That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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