he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
