Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Houston, we have a squirter
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
