I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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