Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
