So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
