I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
