The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
