I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
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