so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
