I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
