The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
