He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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