i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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