Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
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When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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