lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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