dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
