I heard we made out
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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