i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
