At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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