rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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