so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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