I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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