I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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