I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
