I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
