is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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