Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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