note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
