i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Enjoy the penises
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
