We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
