It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
