It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
