Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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