I showed him my bush... on skype.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
