even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He felt like a one man threesome
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
