i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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