I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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