So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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