Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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