I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
