You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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