On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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