I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
