What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
