Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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