i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
