well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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