my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
