i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
