I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
