there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Randomize
