Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
