Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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