just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
